Fuck You Sinuses!

So much for having a good day.  I started feeling shitty last night and thought I may be coming down with something.  With all the assholes I work with that come into work sick as fuck, and then the Halloween event last week with all the sick kids, this was a definite possibility.  

So I loaded up on pills last night and prayed I could sleep it off.  Here's the thing about Texas weather when we transition from summer to winter.  It changes back and forth all the fucking time.  One week it's 80+, then some damn cold front rolls through and you max out at 50 for a week.  Because of this, you never know for sure what you're coming down with.  I love this state, but fuck it drives me insane.

So I pass out last night, and wake up like 2 hours later than normal today feeling like absolute ass.  Diagnosis: sinus death.  I could literally lay here and when I moved my head, I could feel it all shift around.  Fuck me, I don't need this shit.  I've started taking Zyrtec, but only for like 2 days now so that shit hasn't taken effect yet.  So off to the bathroom to pop any pill with a box that says sinus relief on it and snort Nasonex like I'm a coke head on a 4 week bender.  I would like to say I've done something during the day that was productive or worth bragging about, but all I've really managed to do was eat and sleep.

And yes, I've slept a lot.  So much so it's almost 3am and I'm wide awake.  Fuck.

On the bright side, I did cop a free dinner at Dairy Queen.  Went to the drive thru window to pay for my shit and their register apparently crapped out.  I waited around for them to reboot it and whatever, and they offered to comp the food due to the wait.  Hell if I knew that would happen I would have loaded up on shit.  It actually made it wort having to get out of bed in the first place.  I was starving my ass off and disregarding the whole eating part just because I didn't want to move.  So glad for the invention of the drive thru so I didn't have to go in there wearing cloth shorts and house shoes.

God I hope my head is back to normal tomorrow.....

Episode 25: The Great Bakery Molestation!

Yes, it is as disturbing as it sounds after we discovered the delicious pumpkin spice whoopi cakes recently.  We want this as our first product endorsement!

This episode has plenty of updates and upcoming info for the show and some things we're doing, which are much past due.

In the news of absolute oddity, we discussed a Christian radio host who feels gay nurses turn your kids gay, and a man who thought he was banging a hooker and ended up with a donkey.

Let's not forget the awesome career movie of Lindsay Lohan posing for Playboy!  Well, perhaps not awesome.....neither of us would pay to see that chick naked.

And as promised, the epic NFL story of Rob Gronkowski and super hot porn star Bibi Jones, who seems to be wearing only his jersey.  We still swear he hit that, IDGAF what they say.

Here's the pics we promised to post for those who haven't seen them yet.

Back From Vacation....Episode 24!!!!!

We're finally back around for a new show.  Had some shit to handle and took some time off for it.  Welcome to a show without any prep work ahead of time!

We really just winged it on the whole damn show tonight cause we wanted to get something out there.  We did fail miserably at making sense of the rapture, or the ability to predict it.  We also learn that Kevin is now the holy messiah!!

Nice View of the World

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

This is gonna give Panda another reason to cuss me out lol

Say What?

So for my day job, I work a kind of hybrid customer service job for a cell phone company.  I call it hybrid because we don't get the luxury of just a one department, one job role kind of gig.  We are cross skilled to do a lot of EVERYTHING.  Care, tech support, finance and payments, etc.  With any job taking customer calls all day, we get bitched out by total fuckwad idiots daily.  In my job, we get the task of getting cussed out by ALL the fuckwad idiots.  This is normal, and we learn to live with it.  People seem to grow a large set of balls when they're on the phone and don't have to see you person to person, and they rarely stop and think about the stupid shit they blab out before they say it.  It's a job of frequent stupidity, and rare remorse.

Today for example.....
Dude calls about his step daughters phone fucking up for like 6 months.  She just moved in with them recently and is constantly complaining about it locking up, having to have the battery pulled regularly, and the display going blank.  None of this is abnormal really.  It's a low end Samsung Android phone, and those guys suck balls at making software.  Lock ups and the like are pretty common.  The screen blanking did however get my attention.

So anyways, step dad feels obligated to defend the little twerps honor against the evil corporate machine that we are and get her phone replaced!!

Blah blah, 6 months it doesn't work, blah blah give me credits, blah blah blah *ignore anything I say about actually fixing the phone itself and go back to screaming for credits and how we're evil*.  I'll give the guy credit, he went on a customer service rant that he tried to guilt me on that was quite impressive.  It even hit the point of him asking for the names of all the executive board members of our company so he could write them about the horrible service and all the reps that refused to replace the phone over the last 6 months.  And for the record, I have no idea who those guys are which didn't make him happy.  Why would I care who they are?

So anyways, I finally somewhat calm down our ranting little douchebag.  Best option is to make a repair ticket, document all the shit fucking up and preventing her from sending nudes to whatever 2 week boyfriend she has, and get him the fuck to the repair store and off my phone.  Simple, right?

Not so much.  As soon as I go to start the repair ticket, I'm amusingly welcomed by a flag on the line for damaged beyond repair.  This folks is that happy note that means a tech at some point looked at the phone, found out that YOU fucked up and broke shit, and it's not covered under warranty.  This changes things.  This means you get to do that glorious insurance claim cause your idiot step daughter broke it herself.

Now, normally in a situation like this, the first thing they do is blame us.  How the fuck we are the one's who broke the phone I'll never know, but it's the normal reaction.  It's great how no one takes responsibility for their own fuck up.  However, to my astonishment, this wasn't the case.  I'm still in fucking shock over what happened next.

Customer: It's what?

Me: Damaged beyond repair man.  Not covered by manufacturer warranty.  Could be anything like something spilled on it or she broke something inside of it.

Customer: She didn't tell me this......

Me: Sorry guy, that's the problem.  If not for that, they would have just replaced the thing and called it a day.  Might wanna chit chat with her on that one.....

Customer: Son of a........*insert awkward pause here where I thought he would start screaming like a lunatic*..........I'm sorry.

Me:  You what?  Come again?  *there's no fucking way i just heard him say that shit*

Customer:  I'm sorry.  I've been a dick this whole time and she didn't tell me that.

Me:  So uhhhhhh.....still want me to cancel that line since we can't replace it or you wanna do the insurance stuff?  *gulp*

At this point I'm still preparing myself, and the volume button, for a complete hysterical tirade.  This is something that DOES HAPPEN at this point.  Sometimes they just have to build up to it like some great finale.

Customer:  Leave it.  My apologies for everything.  I'm an asshole.

Me:  No worries, we're straight.  Sucks to be her though.....

The call was done, yet I'm still sitting there with a stunned look on my face and my trigger finger still on the volume down key even though there's no one on the other end.  Fucking SHOCKED.  Even my coworkers were stunned at the story I shared.

Who the fuck are you????  You CAN"T be one of our customers!!!!!

This one made my damn day.

The Day in Pictures

Today has been a rather interesting day.  Me and Kev were just out running errands and trying not to die of heat stroke, and saw some of the oddest shit I didn't think I'd ever run across.

So to start, general run of the mill day.  Game plan is to hit up a couple of novelty stores to cop some shit for the studio and dress it up a bit, then hit the grocery store and pick up some shit for the deep fryer later on.  Nothing spectacular at all.  This is figured with good reason to be a boring afternoon.

So we hit the novelty store and decide we're gonna get some metal band banners to hang up.  Found one for Slayer which was a score, and another from the old And Justice for All album from Metallica.  Pics for those sometime later once we get it all set up.

Anyways.....still uneventful.  Next stop is the liquor store.  Had to restock the Jager supply.  This is absolute necessity.

This always makes for good times.  Anyways, pick this up and Jenny decides she wants to go across the street and get Baskin Robbins.  We're down with that.  So we park and head to the door to go in, and I can't believe what I'm seeing.  This fool has a truck all beat to shit on the drivers side, with NO FUCKING DOOR.  Why the fuck do you drive around with a fucking door missing?  And why the fuck does running a chain across it like it's a roller coaster seem like a good idea???

I thought I did well just to snap a couple of pics of this when I got there.  Notice the awesome chain used to replace the door.  I'm sure this is TOTALLY safe and street legal.

Imagine my surprise when the owner and his buddy end up leaving the same time as I do.  These pics really confirm the awesomeness of the chain door replacement.  All auto makers should look into this option.  I'm sure it's just as safe as a normal door, but more aerodynamic with better gas mileage.

So I'm thinking to myself, I have the highlight of my day now.  This is fucking awesome, and nothing can beat it.  Especially since the next stop is the grocery store.  I hate that place in general, but more so on weekends.

I don't do well in grocery stores, and today was no exception.  When me and Kevin are in the same place together it's worse.  We both have an issue in places like this where we get bitchy after being in there too long, and start to talk shit to well......anyone.  Just ask the random chick who weighed as much as a buffalo and chose to wear real short shorts and boots.  She was made full aware beer goggles is the only way she'll get any dick.

So finally we're done with the store.  Thankfully...

So we pull out of the parking lot, and not 15 yards down the street there's cop cars and what appears to be a wreck.  This is nothing new on that part of Hewitt Drive.  With all the stores in that area and being right off the highway, people drive like total fucktards and hit eachother all the.  We creep by, and I'll be damned if this motherfuckers car isn't upside down in the turn lane.  How.....the......fuck.......????

I know you can flip a car.  The physics are obvious.  This particular area though most people only do around 30 or so there despite the 50 MPH limit just because of the lights and all the stores they're always going into.  I wish we could have pulled over to find out how the fuck he managed to pull this off.

What really made this great when we drove by is this cat was on the other side leaned up against the car and smoking like he was just hanging out waiting on someone.  Like this shit never happened. 

HEY MOTHERFUCKER....YOUR FUCKING CAR IS UPSIDE DOWN IN CASE YOU DIDNT NOTICE!!!!

New podcast up....Adventures in Parenting

I think we covered the spread of all stupidity this week.  The show starts with the shocking news of Life of Agony front man becoming a woman, and our willingness to whore out to DirecTV for a fat contract and TV deal.

Parenting is an absolute fail as we cover how to toughen up your kid if he's a sissy, and the deathly experiences of Six Flags.  Hey, the Spartans started beating their kids at like age 7 and those little bastards fear nothing!!!

We had some video we had to share off Red Eye with Chris Brown getting put on blast like a bitch, and PETA is adventuring into the world of hardcore port to save a dolphin.  Is ass fucking a dolphin ethical treatment?

She Named Her Colon After Me?

Words simply can't express how awkward it is.....

TFSE #21

Got the new show up for those who haven't caught it yet, so go hit the links for it!  Not sure if we're going to record this weekend as Kevin will be out of town.  If he's back in a descent time we will.

We finally for a lot of the audio kinks worked out we've been having issues with from the old system we were recording on, so the overall quality should be much improved.

And I'm working on lining up guests for upcoming shows since we're settled into the new place now.  Still no ETA on when we'll live stream again, so I'll just have to keep ya posted.

Peace bitches!

Never Fails to Make Me Laugh

Me: I'm gonna chase you with a picture of Godzilla.  RAWR!!!

Her: I'm Filipino, not Japanese.....you dickface!!

Me:  O.o

Her:  >.<

Google+ Suspension = FN Weak

Yeah, I just got my shit on Google+ suspended cause of the word "FN" in my display name.  Are you dickholes kidding me?  Name changed for now...just waiting on the suspension to lift.  Fuck you douchebags.

Yes, @chrissyteigen is now the Most Awesome Model Ever

Here's a bit of old school math for everyone.....

What do you get when you take a super hot swimsuit model who's in the Madden NFL Pigskin Pro-Am game.....

Then add to that an excessive amount of Gatorade drinking while sitting on the sidelines looking cute for the cameras.....

Remember kids.....we covered this in grade school. What does it equal?






Projectile vomiting with reckless abandon and one hell of a tweet to accompany it!

Yes, from what I hear, she took out 4 small children and an elderly woman in the process. Ok, I totally made that shit up, but it sounds real good doesn't it?


I'm now in absolute lust, and she must have my children. That it all.


If someone has pics/vid of this incident, email them to me ASAP!!

The Weekend is Over

Why the fuck can't I get one more day???  I was actually enjoying this weekend!!

So I did my normal thing of staying up late as fuck Friday night, and as soon as I wake up Saturday the roomie Kev (twitter) tells me we're grabbin some chicken and workin the deep fryer.  Fuck yes!!!  Took all day to track down some of the shit we needed for it and the cooking took majority of the evening, but 3 birds later it was worth it.  Had a ton of leftovers.

 

 

Despite the suckage of driving around town all day to get the shit we needed to get this thing out of storage, and then getting it running, I did manage a new pair of kicks.  Had to replace the old ones this color.

Also got my new Android cap in...fuck yes I rock this daily!

 

No podcast recorded this weekend which sucks a bit, but back at it next weekend once Kev is back in town.    Whole house to myself....yes!!

Nice Try Naughty Spammer!

I gotta admit, when I first got this email I was a bit pissed under the thought that Twitter would suspend me.  Me.....the only FN icon on that whole damn site!  It was mainly the fact that the image in the email wouldn't load up on my phone that was the reason I was pissed instead of seeing the obvious error in pretending to be someone else.

After screaming in the Target parking lot "HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THE FUCKING KING OF TWITTER?!?!!??!" I then saw the email it came from and thought oh...this is probably bullshit.  At least it's been established with today's Target shoppers who the fuck I am which is also important.

First off, this shit won't come from the admin account for Twitter.  They have dedicated email accounts they use for this shit.  Now don't get me wrong, I've given them PLENTY of reasons to suspend my account.  I talk a lot of shit on a regular basis and piss off a lot of people.  But come on, am I supposed to believe that they would be gracious enough to forgive me and not put in a suspension if I click this link for some awesome offers?  Let's try harder.

Oh, and I got this email again like an hour later lol.

Fuck yes! Got my Google+ invite and luvin this shit!

Ok so I slipped up bigtime and got lucky and recovered on this one.  I knew the Google+ beta was about to hit, and in very uncommon fashion, I didn't get in to sign up for the beta.  As soon as I realized I was launch day, I was sitting at work with my dipshit employers who fail to realize the importance of me being a part of things like this.  Sad for a technology based company.  So there I was, sitting in my cube, unable to pull up the sign up page from my phone or through the shitty outdated IE browser they provide us.

However, I was saved by the awesomeness of @Team_Android and @TiffyFone with invites from each sitting in my inbox when I finally went to lunch.  Fuck yes!!!

EDIT:  Missed two other people who sent invites and don't want to not give credit.  @CassDroid and @xCapsGirlx.

Got home, registered the invite, and realized Google has already done a hell of a job with it and the beta is only like 3 days old right now.  It's already a legit contender to the fucking Facebook shit.  Truly based on social media, and thankfully none of those shitty spyware games and apps that these idiots keeping spamming me with daily.

Fuck all of you and your fucking game requests.

But anyways, back to my happiness.  Hopefully I should soon have some invites to send out and I'm keeping a list of people who asked for them once I do.  And to the people who kept spamming me for an invite on Twitter that I don't even know.....eat a dick motherfucker.

FYI....the Android app they already have for it is pretty fn sweet too!

Bitches love smiley faces

No a/c, electrical mishaps, and surprise buttsex

So the worst thing that can happen to you if you live in Texas is to lose your a/c during the summer time.  It gets fucking hot here...VERY FUCKING HOT.  We don't get the luxury of dry heat.  It's that fun humid shit that makes you feel like you're having a heat stroke when you take the trash out.

On to the topic of this.....guess what happened to me today?  I'm sitting outside last night smoking on the patio and I hear a nice whining noise.  It sounded like one of the a/c units, but I'm no fucking expert.  Plus there's 4 units down there so all I could do was hope it wasn't mine.  I still had cold air, and it was 3am, so fuck it.

I wasn't so lucky this morning when I woke up sweating like a whore on ship leave.  The fucking unit outside isn't doing shit, and the vents are blowing out normal air.  Oh....fuck.....

So I call the office, and the maintenance guys show up a couple of hours later.  It's 100 fucking degrees outside, and my soon to be ex apartment is approaching 90.  This isn't good, at all.  Yes, I know the filter icon is on.  That just happened a day or so ago, not the cause of the issue.

I was hoping they would send actual a/c techs.  Instead I have the amateur repair crew who's learning on the fly how to fix one, and how electrical current works.  One of them already shocked themselves, and the other came close.  Now I know it's been some years since I've been in college and took my AC/DC classes, but common sense still tells me to kill the fucking breaker first before I fuck with the wiring.

They learned this lesson after the fact.

So they've been out there for a couple of hours or so now and potentially exhausted everything they can think to do.  Rewired it, replaced condenser, stare at it, etc.

(Giving it the cold stare of fear)

I must say the following strategy deployed is something I NEVER learned in college, and will now be going to TSTC for Monday to get a full refund of my tuition paid because of.

Jabbing it.....with a fucking stick.  I can't make this shit up, and I had to get pics just to prove it to myself.

I must say they've attempted to replace shit on this thing that I could never have imagined.  However I am absolutely shocked, SHOCKED I tell you that poking it with a stick has not IMMEDIATELY restored my once precious and treasured cold air.  It would seem that after the stick jabbing, I am simply not worthy of cold  a/c and I now accept this fate in life.

BTW.....they're still outside giving it the death stare.

So I figure ok, while I'm writing this post I'll go outside for another smoke.  Check progrress, hope for the best.  Normal shit ya know?

The next attempt if something I never thought I would see in my life, and I am horrified that it ever took place. My poor a/c will never be the same again.......they gave it.....

SURPRISE BUTTSEX!!!!!

What......the.......FUCK MAN!?!?!!?!!?!  There's fucking kids outside and you're ass-rangling my fucking a/c!!!!!

Needless to say, they've now announced the demise of said a/c unit which won't have a replacement until Monday.  Everything inside it is burned out.  Well, I'd imagine so after the anal trickery you just pulled on it motherfucker.  Thanks.

Stacy wants to violate The Fn Icon

So earlier I'm talkin to Stacy about just regular BS.  Nothing special, just shit about her vacation time, etc.  Some of you may know her from the old Myndflip Studios days when she did a lot of the banners for us.  Yes, those banners.  The only reason we got traffic I think.

Anyways, normal chat.....until I get this tweet.  I've always known this chick was a little off.  Hell she's one of the few that can hang with me in talking shit.  This has reached a whole new level.

What.....the....fuck?

I don't know how to take this.  This is either an invite to do the most perverse shit to a woman I can possibly imagine, or this chick wants to violate my like an alter boy.  Just for clarification.....NOT COOL on the second option.

Now this is a moment where I'm obviously mixed between excite, and complete terror.  More terror than anything at this point as any tweets or texts back for clarification as to the safety of my cornhole have had no response yet.  I'm not liking this.  This of course become a bit of a topic on twitter following, and I've come to realize after the twisted encouragement and then concern that I need new friends......now.

Thanks Donny for beating on my insecurities lol.  This does NOT help me any.

The Fn Icon is in demand

First time I think I've ever been proposed to online lol

Icon for Fn President!

After much thought, and a ton of encouragement, I've decided to put my name in for office of the President of the United States of America. Let's face it, the regime of politicians we have these days sucks. They don't know shit, and can barely manage to wipe their own asses as opposed to running the country.

I don't concern myself with the politically correct bullshit and the old ways of doing things. Time to let a Fn Icon do the damn job.

Now, a bit of a quick trip through the platform. More updates to come along. Feel free to shoot over any questions you have.....

Political Party:

Unaffiliated (i think for myself, not for the group)

Abortion:  

Personally, I’m not a fan.  I figure it this way....if you’re gonna fuck, you accept the good and the bad.  You assholes that have a frequent stabber card at the local free clinic need to get cut off and be responsible for your choices in life.  “Well I don’t like condoms” ….great...I don’t like supporting your kids with my tax dollars.  If you’re too much of a fucking idiot to get on the pill or use a rubber then suck it up and take your responsibilities.  If this is going to be an issue being an unexpected mommy/daddy, go jerk off more.  Problem solved.  This one is getting struck down except in limited circumstances:



Rape - No way I’m making a chick carry a kid after that happening.  Might as well slap her in the face and rape her again if you think it’s a good idea.

Incest - This is just as fucked up as rape, and then some.  No way I’d make her birth her own sister, etc.  And upon conviction of the crime itself, cut his fucking dick off.

Well being of the mother - We're not going to force a woman to carry a child full term if it could potentially kill her due to an existing medical issue.

Drugs - Crack babies don't deserve that shit.  This is a one time only pass.  Once that first abortion is performed, there will be a required ripping out of any parts to get her pregnant again.

Civil Rights:
Wait, we’re still debating this topic?  What are we a population of backwoods rednecks wearing overalls and praising the Klan?  This topic is dead.  Silence all the idiots who are against it, and all those “get me on TV and pay me to fight for a cause I’m really trying to divide people on so I can on TV” who piss me off.

Crime:
Why is it all states don’t have a 3 strikes rule?  If some jackass is going to commit that many crimes, do you really think they’ll stop?  In my totally made up book of stats, the answer is no.  And as for that juvenile record sealed bullshit, if it’s related to a current crime you commit, it counts.  Fuck you.

Drugs:
*blank stare*
Ok, I’m cool with some drugs.  As for pot, yeah, I’d legalize it.  And no, I won’t be that dickwad who swears he never touched it to get into office.  I’ve smoked a TON of that shit!  Make it legal, grow it all in Wyoming and Montana since there’s nothing else happening in those states, and tax it.  There’s more tax revenue in, Mexico gets pissed cause their drug cartels lose cash, and I’ll be fucked up plenty.  Of course, there’s rules to everything:

Must be 21 or older
No driving under the influence
Sales is prohibited to anyone with a felony
The list would go on......

Where’s my bong?

Energy & Oil:
Yes, we need oil.  No, we will not attempt to convert the whole country to those shitty little smart cars.  I hate those things.  People who drive them should get their asses kicked.  I’ll shut down the EPA and start drilling on any coast we can find that shit.  Once we’re back to relying on ourselves for oil, I’ll be the first on TV telling Saudi Arabia to go fuck themselves.

Foreign Policy:
This is the United States.  I take pride in that.  I’ll NEVER kiss some other county’s ass.  Yes, we will make decisions based on our own best interest.  If you don’t like it, kiss my ass.  If you attack us, you won’t get a bunch of elevator speeches and a 10 year war.  We’ll walk in, fuck up EVERYTHING we can find, and be done with it.

Immigration:
Yes, the borders will be locked and secured.  I have no issue with anyone wanting to become a citizen.  Hell we all imported in to start this thing.  But there is a process.  We allow those who will become productive citizens and live the dream, not some jackass stealing shit and hopping the fence.  As for the process, it takes way too damn long.  It needs to be fully revised and shortened.  And that anchor baby shit....no more.  Do it right, or get the fuck out.

Welfare:
This is something that been beaten and abused more than a chick in a Lifetime movie.  The system was designed to give TEMPORARY assistance to people who lose their job to stay on their feet until they get another job.  It’s turned into a support system making way too many idiots lazy and dependant.  An idea of new guidelines:

Benefits will last for a maximum of one calendar year.  If you can’t find some kind of a fucking job in a year you’re wasting our fucking time.

Mandatory drug testing.  You want the freebie shit in life?  Keep your shit straight.  Can get a job if you’re going to piss dirty anyways.

No out of state or online presence only applications.  Stupid fuck, we know that trick.

If you’re found guilty of a crime, say goodbye to your benefits.

You're not going to be rewarded with free money and benefits for being a lazy douchebag. Period.

Drunk Call from @BRBimonfire

This is the running tally of events during a total of 40 minutes talk time on a drunk call I got from @BRBimonfire tonight.  Keep in mind I didn't do much talking at all, as she tends to be rather talkative once the rounds have been flowing at Applebee's.


Upon the calls being done, and getting time for my head to stop spinning.....I'm still just as confused as I was to begin with.

Total hang ups and callbacks: 3
Changed Topics: 7
Telling me I'm awesome: 2
Accidentally deleted an app while on call: 1
Thought life would end over deleted app: 3
Called someone else mid sentence: 1
Thought she was talking to someone else in person and ended call: 1
Times no one was really there she thought she was talking to and ended call: 1
Texts sent to me when she was talking to someone else who called that made NO sense: 2
Serious train of thought, followed by question, then lost train of thought: 1
Tweets send that also made NO sense after she got call from someone else: 2
Declared she's a pirate, and they get booty like gold and not real booty: 1
Forgetting why she called back, other than she said she would: 2
Attempts at remembering what she drank: 2
Realizing what she texted made no sense and trying to figure it out: 1
Used the phrase "too legit to quit": 1
Forgetting about what she just talked about 3 minutes prior: 9
Rants over wanting cheese: 1
"Oh my gosh" said: 27
"Holy Bajeebus" said: 13
Random topic switch to drawing a cat: 2
Me responding "I don't know what to say to that": 32
Me scratching my head in confusion: 53
Calling her iphone a "stupid beeeyotch": 2

Yeah, this is something I should look into.....

Guess this means I should get a manager or something.....

Opeth "Master's Apprentice"

I jam hardcore....be jealous.

Fucking with Samsung chat support

Yes, I got bored again.  I wanted to know when Samsung planned on releasing Android 2.3 for my phone, so I hit up the Samsung chat support team for some info.  Unfortunately I didn't get the first chat copied with Stella which was mildly entertaining, so I decided to go for round 2 for humor.  Enjoy!

 Please wait for a Samsung Agent to respond.

 You are now chatting with 'Vick'. There will be a brief survey at the end of our chat to share feedback on my performance today.

 Your Issue ID for this chat is LTK4380747712X

Vick: Hi, thank you for contacting Samsung Technical Support. How may I help you today?

Visitor: Hi Vick....how are you?

Visitor: Your first name isn't Michael is it?

Vick: Hi, I'm fine.  

Vick: Please go ahead with your question regarding your Samsung mobile phone.

Visitor: Ok, awkward. Anyways.....

Visitor: You're familiar with the Samsung Epic 4G I'm assuming?

Vick: I'm sorry, we are not authorized to share our personal information.

Vick: Yes. Please go ahead with your question regarding EPIC?

Visitor: Ok, here's the deal. I want the 2.3 update.

Visitor: I mean WANT it. Real bad...like a fat kid eyeballing a cake.

Visitor: You can see my level of desperation right?

Vick: I understand that you would like to know the information regarding the Android 2.3 upgrade on the handset, am I correct ?

Visitor: Well yes, as it would be socially unacceptable to put it in my pants as opposed to my phone :D

Visitor: Now here's the problem.....

Visitor: You guys haven't rolled it out yet, which makes me sad.

Visitor: Being a grown man and crying over a phone update doesn't get me many dates.

Vick: Thank you for confirming.

Visitor: I'm guessing you've never done this, so you may not be able to relate.

Vick: I apologize for the inconvenience.

Visitor: Now what I need to know, is when is Samsung releasing this to Sprint, then to us so I'm a happy fat kid with my cake.

Visitor: Errrr.....gingerbread in this case.

Vick: I'm sorry. Unfortunately, as of now there is no official information on the release date of the Android 2.3/Gingerbread from Samsung and you will be notified by the carrier and in the Samsung website when/if the update is released. We are unable to speculate when/if a software revision might be available due to the fact that this might lead to inaccurate information and confusion.

Visitor: Ok, here's my next question.....

Visitor: You have 2.3 out for the Nexus S 4G, which is basically the same exact thing as the Epic.

Visitor: So why not just roll it on out.

Vick: Sure. Please go ahead.

Visitor: Make us all happy :D

Visitor: I want to do cartwheels in my excitement Vick......help me, help you with my cartwheels.

Vick: Please accept my sincere apologizes, I would have surely helped you if I had the information.

Visitor: Do you not find it wrong that they would taunt is with it on one phone, but not the other?

Vick: Should this become available, it will be posted on our website in the Samsung Download Center.

Visitor: I'm smelling the frosting on the cake, and I can't grab it.....

Visitor: Ok, let's make a deal. I have an idea.

Visitor: I'll make you a Gingerbread cookie and mail it to you there. You lovingly roll it up in a nice APK file and shoot it over to my phone with the love in your heart.

Visitor: How does that sound?

Visitor: I'll even make an extra Gingerbread cookie for you to enjoy.

Visitor: You do like Gingerbread cookies right?

Visitor: I'll cut them out to look like 2 dogs fighting Vick.....

Visitor: Or maybe even a falcon or an eagle.

Visitor: Caw!! Caw!!

Visitor: See....bird sounds.

Visitor: I'm trying to work with you here.

Visitor: Vick?

Vick: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.

Visitor: What about my offer.

Visitor: This isn't an inconvenience. Inconvenience is realizing your girlfriend bought large condoms when you only fit a medium.

Visitor: So are we going to be left out in the cold, staring through the window in desperation while the happy kids play with Gingerbread?

Vick: Please be professional to continue the chat.

Vick: I would be forced to close the chat, if you use continue using profanity.

Vick: Just to confirm, do you have any technical questions for me?

Visitor: You're right.....I'm sorry. Mentioning a girlfriend is vulgar.

Visitor: Yes, I'm still wondering what I'm supposed to do about my super phone.

Visitor: Your ads stated this as the best phone on the market, but I can't get Gingerbread :(

Visitor: See....sad face.

Vick: I'm sorry. As referred there is no information regarding the same.

Visitor: Regarding Gingerbread or my girlfriend who doesn't measure first?

Visitor: I mean I told her it was cold outside....

Vick: Do you have any technical questions on Samsung Mobile devices?

Visitor: Yes, when is 2.3 being released? I heard it's awesome!!!!!

Vick: I am sorry, we do not have information on the release date  of Android 2.3.

Vick: Once it  is released it will be posted on website.

Visitor: I'm sad. Can I have a hug? :(

Vick: As it is going to be new and latest version, you can enjoy the features of Android 2.3

Visitor: Ok so you are releasing it!!!! When should I expect it for my Epic!?!?!?!?!?

Vick: There is on specific release date for the update. Should this become available, it will be posted on our website in the Samsung Download Center.

Visitor: *knock knock*

Visitor: No wait, no should it become available.

Visitor: You just promised me I'd be able to Vick.

Visitor: Now you're sounding sketchy

Vick: Yes. You may install the update when it is released.

Visitor: So you're promising me with all certainty that you will roll out 2.3 for the Epic?

Visitor: And if I have to call Mr Sansungasaki he can vouch for this......

Visitor: Pinky promise me it will be released Vick.

Visitor: Pinky promise me for all the hungry kids in Ethipoia.

Vick: I'm sorry. I see that the update might be released to install and use on your phone.

Visitor: We just went from will be to might be.

Visitor: Vick you're tryin to circle jerk me here....

Visitor: I even offered to bake you a cookie.

Vick: As referred earlier, as of now there is no official information on the release date of the Android 2.3/Gingerbread from Samsung.

Visitor: But you just told me I will be able to enjoy the awesomesauce features, and now you're being an indian giver.

Vick: I apologize for the confusion. We are unable to speculate when/if a software revision might be available due to the fact that this might lead to inaccurate information and confusion.

Visitor: Vick, I hate you now. You've broken my heart, and I take back my offer on the cookie.

Vick: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.

Vick: Please accept my sincere apologizes, I would have surely helped you if I had the information.

Visitor: You've broken my heart. How do you plan on fixing that?????

Visitor: Is this how you treat everyone? Get their hopes up, then shove them away?

Vick: I'm sorry. Do you have any technical questions for me?

Visitor: Yes, can I have your girlfriend in exchange for the Gingerbread update?

Visitor: That would be a fair trade.

 Chat session has been terminated by the Samsung Agent.