Kate Upton Makes Me Happy in the Pants

I don't know who Terry Richardson is or what the fuck his site is even about, and quite honestly it doesn't fucking matter.  What does matter is it has a video they shot of Kate Upton in a very small.....again let me stress small......bikini. And then dancing around to some lame hip hop shit and some stupid new dance.  Details on this are irrelevant, as what's important is tits jiggling.  Did I mention the bikini is small?  Plus she's really fucking hot and has nice big tits.  Big tits and a small bikini top is a brilliant combination.

I would like someone to shoot another version of this much longer in duration, and without the creepy pedobear in it.

This is the shit that makes me jerk off until my dick hurts.  Then I rub one more off just cause that's the kind of man I am.....

Nick vs The City of Dallas #TXtweetup

I love going to Dallas.  I also love being drunk off my ass in Dallas.  Some may see it as a cause for concern, but I'm quite content with this situation.  The Texas Tweetup was no exception....

Back in January I had the brilliant idea of having a tweetup here.  The idea was brilliant.  Hit up a lot of people from around the state I'm cool with, get them all in one place, and act like a complete fucking idiot.  It works since most of them are not surprised with my antics.

I apologize in advance that there weren't a ton of pics taken during the weekend.  My ADD kicked in and I was too busy being distracted by a lot of dumb shit.

There's one thing I noticed over the weekend I didn't realize before.....this city has a fucking TON of condom stores!  In a city this big, do you people not have anything else better to do as a hobby than fuck like rabbits???

Random stop to eat at Freebirds by me and Kevin, and I run across a midget!!!  Yes, I have an odd thing for midgets.  I want one as a pet.  I'm completely willing to pay the pet deposit and build a full kennel.  Be jealous, I will have one at some point.

This little bastid in particular was great.  He claims he's a lawyer, and was a total DICK to all the employees.  I gotta find him again one day and party with him.  Can you imagine this guy in action in a courtroom?

Below is a shot from one of the rooms we had which gave a nice view of the Honda bike shop next to us.  

As I was online back in January planning what hotel to pick, there was one feature that was CRITICAL.  I had to have something with a continental breakfast for the free waffles.  They are fucking AWESOME.  It got mentioned once while planning this, and became an absolute requirement.  I'm still amazed that I woke up at 930am to make it downstairs in time for this shit.

Tweetup Fun Fact: Kevin is a champ at locking himself out of his room.  And he'll probably cock punch me for posting this.  We had adjoining rooms that had that door in between them.  Fucking convenient for when we were hanging out and wanted to be lazy.  So we decide to make a run downstairs to smoke.  Go back up, and his room key won't work.  Thinking maybe it's just a bad key (he grabbed the spare they gave instead of the first he used which worked fine) he goes back downstairs to get a working key.  I go in my room to watch TV while this is going on expecting him to be back in my room in a few.  Two commercial breaks later he isn't back so I'm starting to wonder where the fuck he went.  As soon as I get off the elevator I hear him talking to the guest services guy and dude says "I guess your friend didn't care enough to check on ya and make sure you're ok."  My instant response as they turn the corner "nah, that's too much fucking work for this fool."  The guest services guy cracks up.  This dude is cool as shit.

Turns out Kevin locked the deadbolt on his door and didn't realize it when we got back.  The middle door shut behind us, so he got totally locked out of the room when we returned.  Turns out the services guy had to break out some glass security shield like it's some fucking fire alarm he had to pull to get the master keys to unlock the deadbolt.  According to him this is the first time in all the years he's worked there that anyone has ever done that.  I guess that made us famous?  Too bad we didn't get a fucking trophy for it.  The guy just kept laughing.  Fucking asshole...he's still cool though.

And yes, Kevin locked himself out a second time.  He had the key card in his wallet and forgot to grab it when we went down to smoke.  And again, they didn't mind making him ANOTHER card.  Total key cards he had over the weekend I believe was 4.

Just to clarify, fish is fish, and not steak.  This being said, I have never heard of it being cooked like a steak with options like medium-well, medium-rare, etc.  Nor have I ever been asked if I have a preference.  It's a dead fish, you cook it all the damn way through.  This however isn't the case with Dave & Buster's apparently, depending on who you ask.  Annette ordered blackened salmon which on the outside looked fine.  Open taking a few bites and opening the shit up, turns out it was drastically undercooked on the inside.  She tells the waitress, waitress apologizes and said she's never seen that happen before.  Everything is cool and it gets taken back to get corrected.  One of the managers comes out and in a confused manner wants it clarified that Annette DID NOT want it cooked medium rare.  According to him, this is standard cooking style for them on fish.  WHAT....THE.....FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?

I've never been to a fucking place that cooked it like that, or even presented this as an option.  Hell your own employees don't even seem to know this is some protocol.  After some confusion and strange looks from the manager, and numerous reassurances from us on how it needs to be cooked and that he's a jackass, the fish was finally done right.

I don't remember what the fuck the name of this shit I ordered was, but it was fucking good.

So anyways, here's some random pics from the tweetup while we were at our table hanging out, and then in the Midway playing video games while we were drunk.

On a side note, if you're going up there with a party, call way the fuck in advance and reserve seating.  We normally would have done that but we didn't know exactly how many would be there and once you hit a certain number they want deposits and shit.  We basically just said fuck it to that and did a walk in.  Turns out Saturday night was popular for the WHOLE FUCKING CITY because there were four parties of 20 ahead of us, along with a few of 6 and 8 as well.  Are you kidding me?!!?!?!?  We got in at 7pm and got on the list, found some tables to take over and hang out at around the bar.  After a while we said fuck it and ordered our food while hanging out since we were still waiting.  It was something like 10pm when they finally called us.  By that time we were finishing eating.  I was too drunk to care by then and forgot about the list completely.

This dude and his wife we're PIMP!

DWI anyone?

 Ok so she might be right.....I mean they say you're not supposed to use the wall as a brake while driving....

Another side note.  We spent almost 4 hours in the Midway playing games.  There was this one creepy pedobear fucker that was on the Dance Dance Revolution machine and was going nuts on it.  Dude even brought his own damn sweat towel for it.  He was on that fucking DDR machine the majority of the time we were back there, and no telling how long prior.  A fucking grown ass man.

Apparently Annette and Mary were plotting to try and get me and Kevin to do that DDR shit.  There will NEVER be enough alcohol for that to happen.

Double rum and coke ALL FUCKING NIGHT!

I had to get this pic.  I was talking to Kevin and turned to find a bartender.  Next thing I know, Dan huge a fucking fro growing from his head.

This old guy had some of the most awesome shorts ever.  Even Kevin got a little jealous of them.  Poor guy doesn't know how close he was to being robbed in the middle of a Kroger.

I want to thank this time to thank the awesome hotel staff at the Marriott for not getting mad at drunk me for staggering around their lobby that night.  You guys rock!!  And thanks to Nikki for helping me out on the hotel booking considering I had no clue what the fuck I was doing.

Nick Doesn't Get @KateUpton, or His Respect From the Oscars

So I finally think we're about to get the kudos we deserve for the podcast, and walk out tonight with that nice shiny gold trophy.  Apparently the guys who run the show over there aren't too fond of including Kate Upton and circus midgets in the hospitality rider for their celebs in attendance.  

What.......the........fuck?  Why can't I have Kate Upton on the rider list?!?!!?!?!?  I'm fucking famous...it's not that bad of a fucking request!!!!

So yeah, the circus midgets and Kate Upton are both declined on their part.  Blah blah blah "unreasonable and ridiculous requests" and all that PC bullshit.  So since they can't accommodate our list, we told them to fuck themselves and keep their trophy.  We're sticking up for the hopes and dreams of the little man!!!

Or in this case, the hopes and dreams of me.....and the bulge that's now in my pants after including that pic in this update.

I am kinda sad over this.  I was so excited I already paid for the Viking helmet to wear to the festivities.....

The official statement from our show and full rider list can be found HERE

She Named Her Colon After Me?

Words simply can't express how awkward it is.....

No a/c, electrical mishaps, and surprise buttsex

So the worst thing that can happen to you if you live in Texas is to lose your a/c during the summer time.  It gets fucking hot here...VERY FUCKING HOT.  We don't get the luxury of dry heat.  It's that fun humid shit that makes you feel like you're having a heat stroke when you take the trash out.

On to the topic of this.....guess what happened to me today?  I'm sitting outside last night smoking on the patio and I hear a nice whining noise.  It sounded like one of the a/c units, but I'm no fucking expert.  Plus there's 4 units down there so all I could do was hope it wasn't mine.  I still had cold air, and it was 3am, so fuck it.

I wasn't so lucky this morning when I woke up sweating like a whore on ship leave.  The fucking unit outside isn't doing shit, and the vents are blowing out normal air.  Oh....fuck.....

So I call the office, and the maintenance guys show up a couple of hours later.  It's 100 fucking degrees outside, and my soon to be ex apartment is approaching 90.  This isn't good, at all.  Yes, I know the filter icon is on.  That just happened a day or so ago, not the cause of the issue.

I was hoping they would send actual a/c techs.  Instead I have the amateur repair crew who's learning on the fly how to fix one, and how electrical current works.  One of them already shocked themselves, and the other came close.  Now I know it's been some years since I've been in college and took my AC/DC classes, but common sense still tells me to kill the fucking breaker first before I fuck with the wiring.

They learned this lesson after the fact.

So they've been out there for a couple of hours or so now and potentially exhausted everything they can think to do.  Rewired it, replaced condenser, stare at it, etc.

(Giving it the cold stare of fear)

I must say the following strategy deployed is something I NEVER learned in college, and will now be going to TSTC for Monday to get a full refund of my tuition paid because of.

Jabbing it.....with a fucking stick.  I can't make this shit up, and I had to get pics just to prove it to myself.

I must say they've attempted to replace shit on this thing that I could never have imagined.  However I am absolutely shocked, SHOCKED I tell you that poking it with a stick has not IMMEDIATELY restored my once precious and treasured cold air.  It would seem that after the stick jabbing, I am simply not worthy of cold  a/c and I now accept this fate in life.

BTW.....they're still outside giving it the death stare.

So I figure ok, while I'm writing this post I'll go outside for another smoke.  Check progrress, hope for the best.  Normal shit ya know?

The next attempt if something I never thought I would see in my life, and I am horrified that it ever took place. My poor a/c will never be the same again.......they gave it.....

SURPRISE BUTTSEX!!!!!

What......the.......FUCK MAN!?!?!!?!!?!  There's fucking kids outside and you're ass-rangling my fucking a/c!!!!!

Needless to say, they've now announced the demise of said a/c unit which won't have a replacement until Monday.  Everything inside it is burned out.  Well, I'd imagine so after the anal trickery you just pulled on it motherfucker.  Thanks.

Stacy wants to violate The Fn Icon

So earlier I'm talkin to Stacy about just regular BS.  Nothing special, just shit about her vacation time, etc.  Some of you may know her from the old Myndflip Studios days when she did a lot of the banners for us.  Yes, those banners.  The only reason we got traffic I think.

Anyways, normal chat.....until I get this tweet.  I've always known this chick was a little off.  Hell she's one of the few that can hang with me in talking shit.  This has reached a whole new level.

What.....the....fuck?

I don't know how to take this.  This is either an invite to do the most perverse shit to a woman I can possibly imagine, or this chick wants to violate my like an alter boy.  Just for clarification.....NOT COOL on the second option.

Now this is a moment where I'm obviously mixed between excite, and complete terror.  More terror than anything at this point as any tweets or texts back for clarification as to the safety of my cornhole have had no response yet.  I'm not liking this.  This of course become a bit of a topic on twitter following, and I've come to realize after the twisted encouragement and then concern that I need new friends......now.

Thanks Donny for beating on my insecurities lol.  This does NOT help me any.