Hiiiiigggggghhhhhhh on Ambien

Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

This is EXACTLY what it's like when it kicks in....

Episode 37: Have Some of My Jesus Penis

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We're back with more of the insanity that you expect of us.  This week's news includes LL Cool J giving some homeless guy a beat down he'll never forget in his life after breaking into his house.  Snooki gave birth to a beautiful Gollum stunt double for the next Lord of the Rings movie.  Congrats!

We also recap a contest Nick is doing for the Android community where he was willing to accept bribes for a winner.  We expected awesome offerings like alcohol and money, but no one expected someone to offer up their really hot sister.  We have a winner!!

And for those of you stuck in the circle of not being able to decide on a career in life, we have the 10 rules of pimping to help you bring out your inner sex worker!  Nick whips out the Jesus Penis to get in touch with a hoe's soul!

For anyone we make angry after this episode, feel free to send all complaints to socialfail@gmail.com


Rule's 2 Da game of Hoez

1. Always make them need and depend on you so you have power over them (power is control)
2. Make them understand that you dont need them they need you, and they are replaceable.  Never let them no if you need them deep inside.
3. Never let no1 get away with sneakin anything cause once they feel they can get away they will alwayz scheme.
4. No matter how much you like or care for 1 or any of them, don’t trust none of them. (Like Scarface who do I trust??? Me that’s who...)
5. Always stay 2 step’s ahead of the game yo have them playin...
6. Don’t let them no all your plan’s, but alwayz try 2 know there’s
7. Make sure you own there mind’s, body’s, and soul’s (N test out every often 2 make sure)
8. keep your bi on the low as possible when it come’s 2 family and hater’s (cause you can’t trust none of them)
9. Always try 2 know whatz going on (make them tell on eachother)
10. Give respect when respect’s due... (follow these rules and you should b gucci)

When You're Glad the Day is Over....

I don't normally have what I'd consider a "shit day".  Sure I have the occasional one off or single crap moment, but generally not a full fucking day.  I guess I should be thankful for that, as it's rare to occur.

First problem, is it's Thursday.  A lot of people are a fan thinking it's almost Friday, it's so close!  Eh...not so much.  Thursday is one big cock tease to Friday.  So close that it gives you a hard on thinking about the weekend, but then you get blue balls realizing that you still have two more days of the week to deal with instead of one.  Sorry to break your happiness and dreams, but it's the damn truth.  It's the calendar's way of saying "you're almost there, but not quite yet you fucking asshole".

So I wake up to this realization and I'm already in a bad mood.  After 30 minutes of arguing with the alarm clock (I really do argue with it), I finally get out of bed.  Clothes decided on to wear, and go to brush my teeth....no fucking water.  What the fuck???  Turn the knobs back and forth, curse it, and slap it a couple of times.  Nothing...dry....not shit.  Check the door and no notice of an outage or repairs.  Walk around outside and no city crew tearing shit up.  We made the payment....my roommate and I have never missed a bill here.  Check the other sinks with the small hope mine died for some unknown reason and NOTHING.

Least I took my shower last night so I could slack off today before work.  Gotta brush my teeth at work, but fuck it, do what I gotta do.

Alright so screw it....move on.  UPS delivery is on schedule for today for the roommate's new phone.  Normally this wouldn't be a concern to me, but we had to deliver it to my parents house because UPS can never manage to read a street name correctly and always leave shit at the neighbors house.  Luckily they seem cool, but it's still a hassle regardless.

So I get to work and think let's just get through with this shit...get it done, go home.   Now last night at work, our entire back section of the building lost network connectivity.  No one knows why yet, so we had the joys of having to sit at other desks.  I got in think that this should be fixed as surely this would take priority?  No, not so much.   We walk in with signs on all the monitors telling us where else to sit.  This should be a petty argument on my part, but I like sitting at my desk.  My chair is perfectly set, the desktop and monitor all set where I like them, and it's my shit there.  I've never been a fan of sitting at some foreign desk with a bunch of shitty decorations all over it, and pics of someone's ugly fucking spouse and ratty ass kids.  Sadly upper management frowns upon me throwing all that shit away so it doesn't have to inconvenience my work vibe.

For the life of me, I'll never understand how some of these assclowns can deal with sitting at these ass fucked up desks every day.  Do they have no house training or cleaning skills?  It sucks when I have to sanitize everything before I can even work.  And no, I didn't attempt to identify anything that was stuck to the keyboard.

Time to follow up with Kevin on the water and UPS delivery.  Turns out the water department fucked up our payment for the second month in a row on their website.  Last month they ran the payment twice.  This month, they didn't post the payment at all which is why it got cut off.  Despite this fuck up on their end as we did the payment online, we're still stuck paying a $50 reconnect fee.  Fuck you city of Hewitt, fuck you right up the goat ass.  Fuck it, water is back on by 4pm.  Gotta remember priorities.

Now problem with the UPS delivery.  Shows left on porch, but my mom took it inside then left for work before he got there.  Normally they leave it outside for me since I can't ever find my key to the house.  Great, now I gotta stop by after work and get it so I won't be home immediately.  OK I can deal with this.....it'll give me time to hang with my mom and aunt anyways as I'm not out there much.  Yes I know, don't say it.  I catch enough shit from them.

Carry on through the work day, cursing on and off over having to sit somewhere else......making it through slowly.  I'm then randomly reminded by some chick on the new team I'm on about this pot luck tomorrow.  SHIT!  Forgot about it, which means I'm stopping by the store after work along with my parent's place.  No idea what to bring so I'll just have to wing it.  And yes, I said "some chick".  I don't consider the new team relevant enough to worry about actual names yet.

Night is finally over, errands are done, and I'm in my carport staring at my patio door.  The day is done....I fucking made it!!  Grab the bags from the car and walk up to the door with a smile.  Wait, no, not so simple.  It can't end this easy.....BECAUSE I CAN'T GET IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!

Seems Kevin wasn't paying attention and locked the deadbolt on me.  Twist the key back and forth.....nada.  Stare at the lock in an attempt to will the deadbolt to turn...nada.  Yes, I know that's physically impossible to make happen but it's worth a damn shot.  Go around front and that one is locked.  FUCK ME!

The best part of this scenario?  I had to shit.......

Call the roommate once....twice....five damn times.  Jesus fucking shit this dude sleeps through as much shit as I do.  Luckily I finally got him awake after banging on his window like some stalker teenager trying to get laid.

So the day is finally done.  Finally.  I'm home, relaxing on the couch eating dinner, and staring at stupid shit on TV.  This is all I've wanted all day.  At least tomorrow is Friday.....the real Friday.

Nick Doesn't Get @KateUpton, or His Respect From the Oscars

So I finally think we're about to get the kudos we deserve for the podcast, and walk out tonight with that nice shiny gold trophy.  Apparently the guys who run the show over there aren't too fond of including Kate Upton and circus midgets in the hospitality rider for their celebs in attendance.  

What.......the........fuck?  Why can't I have Kate Upton on the rider list?!?!!?!?!?  I'm fucking famous...it's not that bad of a fucking request!!!!

So yeah, the circus midgets and Kate Upton are both declined on their part.  Blah blah blah "unreasonable and ridiculous requests" and all that PC bullshit.  So since they can't accommodate our list, we told them to fuck themselves and keep their trophy.  We're sticking up for the hopes and dreams of the little man!!!

Or in this case, the hopes and dreams of me.....and the bulge that's now in my pants after including that pic in this update.

I am kinda sad over this.  I was so excited I already paid for the Viking helmet to wear to the festivities.....

The official statement from our show and full rider list can be found HERE

The Weekend Project: Rewiring the Entertainment Center

Ok so when we moved in this place, Kevin and I kinda rushed things when it came to the entertainment center and getting it going.  We normally tend to have things a bit more professional looking, but honestly time took precedent over organization.  We got it all set and running, added more shit here and there, and just got too damn lazy to rework it all.

We finally realized it had to happen when we were out of plug room on the 2 power strips in the back to add some of the old school game consoles we wanted to get going.  Plus we honestly couldn't figure out what the fuck went where because the wiring hell was such a mess.  I believe someone even mentioned the term "fire hazard" at some point.  Hell Hoffa could have been buried under the wires and we wouldn't have known.

So there we were facing reality that it had to happen.  With everything I first estimated we would use 17 plugs, and I was close.  19 after it was all said and done.  One to spare if we need anything else.  And we managed to get it completely stripped down and wired from the floor up in under 2 hours.

The breakdown, for those who asked:
TV, Receiver (7.1 surround), Gamecube, Airave (cell signal booster), router, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Sega Genesis, Playstation 2, DVR, A/V switch, blu-ray player, Xbox 360 and HD DVD add-on.  The Playstation 3 will be back on when it gets back from repairs.

Say What?

So for my day job, I work a kind of hybrid customer service job for a cell phone company.  I call it hybrid because we don't get the luxury of just a one department, one job role kind of gig.  We are cross skilled to do a lot of EVERYTHING.  Care, tech support, finance and payments, etc.  With any job taking customer calls all day, we get bitched out by total fuckwad idiots daily.  In my job, we get the task of getting cussed out by ALL the fuckwad idiots.  This is normal, and we learn to live with it.  People seem to grow a large set of balls when they're on the phone and don't have to see you person to person, and they rarely stop and think about the stupid shit they blab out before they say it.  It's a job of frequent stupidity, and rare remorse.

Today for example.....
Dude calls about his step daughters phone fucking up for like 6 months.  She just moved in with them recently and is constantly complaining about it locking up, having to have the battery pulled regularly, and the display going blank.  None of this is abnormal really.  It's a low end Samsung Android phone, and those guys suck balls at making software.  Lock ups and the like are pretty common.  The screen blanking did however get my attention.

So anyways, step dad feels obligated to defend the little twerps honor against the evil corporate machine that we are and get her phone replaced!!

Blah blah, 6 months it doesn't work, blah blah give me credits, blah blah blah *ignore anything I say about actually fixing the phone itself and go back to screaming for credits and how we're evil*.  I'll give the guy credit, he went on a customer service rant that he tried to guilt me on that was quite impressive.  It even hit the point of him asking for the names of all the executive board members of our company so he could write them about the horrible service and all the reps that refused to replace the phone over the last 6 months.  And for the record, I have no idea who those guys are which didn't make him happy.  Why would I care who they are?

So anyways, I finally somewhat calm down our ranting little douchebag.  Best option is to make a repair ticket, document all the shit fucking up and preventing her from sending nudes to whatever 2 week boyfriend she has, and get him the fuck to the repair store and off my phone.  Simple, right?

Not so much.  As soon as I go to start the repair ticket, I'm amusingly welcomed by a flag on the line for damaged beyond repair.  This folks is that happy note that means a tech at some point looked at the phone, found out that YOU fucked up and broke shit, and it's not covered under warranty.  This changes things.  This means you get to do that glorious insurance claim cause your idiot step daughter broke it herself.

Now, normally in a situation like this, the first thing they do is blame us.  How the fuck we are the one's who broke the phone I'll never know, but it's the normal reaction.  It's great how no one takes responsibility for their own fuck up.  However, to my astonishment, this wasn't the case.  I'm still in fucking shock over what happened next.

Customer: It's what?

Me: Damaged beyond repair man.  Not covered by manufacturer warranty.  Could be anything like something spilled on it or she broke something inside of it.

Customer: She didn't tell me this......

Me: Sorry guy, that's the problem.  If not for that, they would have just replaced the thing and called it a day.  Might wanna chit chat with her on that one.....

Customer: Son of a........*insert awkward pause here where I thought he would start screaming like a lunatic*..........I'm sorry.

Me:  You what?  Come again?  *there's no fucking way i just heard him say that shit*

Customer:  I'm sorry.  I've been a dick this whole time and she didn't tell me that.

Me:  So uhhhhhh.....still want me to cancel that line since we can't replace it or you wanna do the insurance stuff?  *gulp*

At this point I'm still preparing myself, and the volume button, for a complete hysterical tirade.  This is something that DOES HAPPEN at this point.  Sometimes they just have to build up to it like some great finale.

Customer:  Leave it.  My apologies for everything.  I'm an asshole.

Me:  No worries, we're straight.  Sucks to be her though.....

The call was done, yet I'm still sitting there with a stunned look on my face and my trigger finger still on the volume down key even though there's no one on the other end.  Fucking SHOCKED.  Even my coworkers were stunned at the story I shared.

Who the fuck are you????  You CAN"T be one of our customers!!!!!

This one made my damn day.

The Day in Pictures

Today has been a rather interesting day.  Me and Kev were just out running errands and trying not to die of heat stroke, and saw some of the oddest shit I didn't think I'd ever run across.

So to start, general run of the mill day.  Game plan is to hit up a couple of novelty stores to cop some shit for the studio and dress it up a bit, then hit the grocery store and pick up some shit for the deep fryer later on.  Nothing spectacular at all.  This is figured with good reason to be a boring afternoon.

So we hit the novelty store and decide we're gonna get some metal band banners to hang up.  Found one for Slayer which was a score, and another from the old And Justice for All album from Metallica.  Pics for those sometime later once we get it all set up.

Anyways.....still uneventful.  Next stop is the liquor store.  Had to restock the Jager supply.  This is absolute necessity.

This always makes for good times.  Anyways, pick this up and Jenny decides she wants to go across the street and get Baskin Robbins.  We're down with that.  So we park and head to the door to go in, and I can't believe what I'm seeing.  This fool has a truck all beat to shit on the drivers side, with NO FUCKING DOOR.  Why the fuck do you drive around with a fucking door missing?  And why the fuck does running a chain across it like it's a roller coaster seem like a good idea???

I thought I did well just to snap a couple of pics of this when I got there.  Notice the awesome chain used to replace the door.  I'm sure this is TOTALLY safe and street legal.

Imagine my surprise when the owner and his buddy end up leaving the same time as I do.  These pics really confirm the awesomeness of the chain door replacement.  All auto makers should look into this option.  I'm sure it's just as safe as a normal door, but more aerodynamic with better gas mileage.

So I'm thinking to myself, I have the highlight of my day now.  This is fucking awesome, and nothing can beat it.  Especially since the next stop is the grocery store.  I hate that place in general, but more so on weekends.

I don't do well in grocery stores, and today was no exception.  When me and Kevin are in the same place together it's worse.  We both have an issue in places like this where we get bitchy after being in there too long, and start to talk shit to well......anyone.  Just ask the random chick who weighed as much as a buffalo and chose to wear real short shorts and boots.  She was made full aware beer goggles is the only way she'll get any dick.

So finally we're done with the store.  Thankfully...

So we pull out of the parking lot, and not 15 yards down the street there's cop cars and what appears to be a wreck.  This is nothing new on that part of Hewitt Drive.  With all the stores in that area and being right off the highway, people drive like total fucktards and hit eachother all the.  We creep by, and I'll be damned if this motherfuckers car isn't upside down in the turn lane.  How.....the......fuck.......????

I know you can flip a car.  The physics are obvious.  This particular area though most people only do around 30 or so there despite the 50 MPH limit just because of the lights and all the stores they're always going into.  I wish we could have pulled over to find out how the fuck he managed to pull this off.

What really made this great when we drove by is this cat was on the other side leaned up against the car and smoking like he was just hanging out waiting on someone.  Like this shit never happened. 

HEY MOTHERFUCKER....YOUR FUCKING CAR IS UPSIDE DOWN IN CASE YOU DIDNT NOTICE!!!!

She Named Her Colon After Me?

Words simply can't express how awkward it is.....

Google+ Suspension = FN Weak

Yeah, I just got my shit on Google+ suspended cause of the word "FN" in my display name.  Are you dickholes kidding me?  Name changed for now...just waiting on the suspension to lift.  Fuck you douchebags.

Yes, @chrissyteigen is now the Most Awesome Model Ever

Here's a bit of old school math for everyone.....

What do you get when you take a super hot swimsuit model who's in the Madden NFL Pigskin Pro-Am game.....

Then add to that an excessive amount of Gatorade drinking while sitting on the sidelines looking cute for the cameras.....

Remember kids.....we covered this in grade school. What does it equal?






Projectile vomiting with reckless abandon and one hell of a tweet to accompany it!

Yes, from what I hear, she took out 4 small children and an elderly woman in the process. Ok, I totally made that shit up, but it sounds real good doesn't it?


I'm now in absolute lust, and she must have my children. That it all.


If someone has pics/vid of this incident, email them to me ASAP!!

The Weekend is Over

Why the fuck can't I get one more day???  I was actually enjoying this weekend!!

So I did my normal thing of staying up late as fuck Friday night, and as soon as I wake up Saturday the roomie Kev (twitter) tells me we're grabbin some chicken and workin the deep fryer.  Fuck yes!!!  Took all day to track down some of the shit we needed for it and the cooking took majority of the evening, but 3 birds later it was worth it.  Had a ton of leftovers.

 

 

Despite the suckage of driving around town all day to get the shit we needed to get this thing out of storage, and then getting it running, I did manage a new pair of kicks.  Had to replace the old ones this color.

Also got my new Android cap in...fuck yes I rock this daily!

 

No podcast recorded this weekend which sucks a bit, but back at it next weekend once Kev is back in town.    Whole house to myself....yes!!

Nice Try Naughty Spammer!

I gotta admit, when I first got this email I was a bit pissed under the thought that Twitter would suspend me.  Me.....the only FN icon on that whole damn site!  It was mainly the fact that the image in the email wouldn't load up on my phone that was the reason I was pissed instead of seeing the obvious error in pretending to be someone else.

After screaming in the Target parking lot "HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THE FUCKING KING OF TWITTER?!?!!??!" I then saw the email it came from and thought oh...this is probably bullshit.  At least it's been established with today's Target shoppers who the fuck I am which is also important.

First off, this shit won't come from the admin account for Twitter.  They have dedicated email accounts they use for this shit.  Now don't get me wrong, I've given them PLENTY of reasons to suspend my account.  I talk a lot of shit on a regular basis and piss off a lot of people.  But come on, am I supposed to believe that they would be gracious enough to forgive me and not put in a suspension if I click this link for some awesome offers?  Let's try harder.

Oh, and I got this email again like an hour later lol.

No a/c, electrical mishaps, and surprise buttsex

So the worst thing that can happen to you if you live in Texas is to lose your a/c during the summer time.  It gets fucking hot here...VERY FUCKING HOT.  We don't get the luxury of dry heat.  It's that fun humid shit that makes you feel like you're having a heat stroke when you take the trash out.

On to the topic of this.....guess what happened to me today?  I'm sitting outside last night smoking on the patio and I hear a nice whining noise.  It sounded like one of the a/c units, but I'm no fucking expert.  Plus there's 4 units down there so all I could do was hope it wasn't mine.  I still had cold air, and it was 3am, so fuck it.

I wasn't so lucky this morning when I woke up sweating like a whore on ship leave.  The fucking unit outside isn't doing shit, and the vents are blowing out normal air.  Oh....fuck.....

So I call the office, and the maintenance guys show up a couple of hours later.  It's 100 fucking degrees outside, and my soon to be ex apartment is approaching 90.  This isn't good, at all.  Yes, I know the filter icon is on.  That just happened a day or so ago, not the cause of the issue.

I was hoping they would send actual a/c techs.  Instead I have the amateur repair crew who's learning on the fly how to fix one, and how electrical current works.  One of them already shocked themselves, and the other came close.  Now I know it's been some years since I've been in college and took my AC/DC classes, but common sense still tells me to kill the fucking breaker first before I fuck with the wiring.

They learned this lesson after the fact.

So they've been out there for a couple of hours or so now and potentially exhausted everything they can think to do.  Rewired it, replaced condenser, stare at it, etc.

(Giving it the cold stare of fear)

I must say the following strategy deployed is something I NEVER learned in college, and will now be going to TSTC for Monday to get a full refund of my tuition paid because of.

Jabbing it.....with a fucking stick.  I can't make this shit up, and I had to get pics just to prove it to myself.

I must say they've attempted to replace shit on this thing that I could never have imagined.  However I am absolutely shocked, SHOCKED I tell you that poking it with a stick has not IMMEDIATELY restored my once precious and treasured cold air.  It would seem that after the stick jabbing, I am simply not worthy of cold  a/c and I now accept this fate in life.

BTW.....they're still outside giving it the death stare.

So I figure ok, while I'm writing this post I'll go outside for another smoke.  Check progrress, hope for the best.  Normal shit ya know?

The next attempt if something I never thought I would see in my life, and I am horrified that it ever took place. My poor a/c will never be the same again.......they gave it.....

SURPRISE BUTTSEX!!!!!

What......the.......FUCK MAN!?!?!!?!!?!  There's fucking kids outside and you're ass-rangling my fucking a/c!!!!!

Needless to say, they've now announced the demise of said a/c unit which won't have a replacement until Monday.  Everything inside it is burned out.  Well, I'd imagine so after the anal trickery you just pulled on it motherfucker.  Thanks.