Fucking with Samsung chat support

Yes, I got bored again.  I wanted to know when Samsung planned on releasing Android 2.3 for my phone, so I hit up the Samsung chat support team for some info.  Unfortunately I didn't get the first chat copied with Stella which was mildly entertaining, so I decided to go for round 2 for humor.  Enjoy!

 Please wait for a Samsung Agent to respond.

 You are now chatting with 'Vick'. There will be a brief survey at the end of our chat to share feedback on my performance today.

 Your Issue ID for this chat is LTK4380747712X

Vick: Hi, thank you for contacting Samsung Technical Support. How may I help you today?

Visitor: Hi Vick....how are you?

Visitor: Your first name isn't Michael is it?

Vick: Hi, I'm fine.  

Vick: Please go ahead with your question regarding your Samsung mobile phone.

Visitor: Ok, awkward. Anyways.....

Visitor: You're familiar with the Samsung Epic 4G I'm assuming?

Vick: I'm sorry, we are not authorized to share our personal information.

Vick: Yes. Please go ahead with your question regarding EPIC?

Visitor: Ok, here's the deal. I want the 2.3 update.

Visitor: I mean WANT it. Real bad...like a fat kid eyeballing a cake.

Visitor: You can see my level of desperation right?

Vick: I understand that you would like to know the information regarding the Android 2.3 upgrade on the handset, am I correct ?

Visitor: Well yes, as it would be socially unacceptable to put it in my pants as opposed to my phone :D

Visitor: Now here's the problem.....

Visitor: You guys haven't rolled it out yet, which makes me sad.

Visitor: Being a grown man and crying over a phone update doesn't get me many dates.

Vick: Thank you for confirming.

Visitor: I'm guessing you've never done this, so you may not be able to relate.

Vick: I apologize for the inconvenience.

Visitor: Now what I need to know, is when is Samsung releasing this to Sprint, then to us so I'm a happy fat kid with my cake.

Visitor: Errrr.....gingerbread in this case.

Vick: I'm sorry. Unfortunately, as of now there is no official information on the release date of the Android 2.3/Gingerbread from Samsung and you will be notified by the carrier and in the Samsung website when/if the update is released. We are unable to speculate when/if a software revision might be available due to the fact that this might lead to inaccurate information and confusion.

Visitor: Ok, here's my next question.....

Visitor: You have 2.3 out for the Nexus S 4G, which is basically the same exact thing as the Epic.

Visitor: So why not just roll it on out.

Vick: Sure. Please go ahead.

Visitor: Make us all happy :D

Visitor: I want to do cartwheels in my excitement Vick......help me, help you with my cartwheels.

Vick: Please accept my sincere apologizes, I would have surely helped you if I had the information.

Visitor: Do you not find it wrong that they would taunt is with it on one phone, but not the other?

Vick: Should this become available, it will be posted on our website in the Samsung Download Center.

Visitor: I'm smelling the frosting on the cake, and I can't grab it.....

Visitor: Ok, let's make a deal. I have an idea.

Visitor: I'll make you a Gingerbread cookie and mail it to you there. You lovingly roll it up in a nice APK file and shoot it over to my phone with the love in your heart.

Visitor: How does that sound?

Visitor: I'll even make an extra Gingerbread cookie for you to enjoy.

Visitor: You do like Gingerbread cookies right?

Visitor: I'll cut them out to look like 2 dogs fighting Vick.....

Visitor: Or maybe even a falcon or an eagle.

Visitor: Caw!! Caw!!

Visitor: See....bird sounds.

Visitor: I'm trying to work with you here.

Visitor: Vick?

Vick: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.

Visitor: What about my offer.

Visitor: This isn't an inconvenience. Inconvenience is realizing your girlfriend bought large condoms when you only fit a medium.

Visitor: So are we going to be left out in the cold, staring through the window in desperation while the happy kids play with Gingerbread?

Vick: Please be professional to continue the chat.

Vick: I would be forced to close the chat, if you use continue using profanity.

Vick: Just to confirm, do you have any technical questions for me?

Visitor: You're right.....I'm sorry. Mentioning a girlfriend is vulgar.

Visitor: Yes, I'm still wondering what I'm supposed to do about my super phone.

Visitor: Your ads stated this as the best phone on the market, but I can't get Gingerbread :(

Visitor: See....sad face.

Vick: I'm sorry. As referred there is no information regarding the same.

Visitor: Regarding Gingerbread or my girlfriend who doesn't measure first?

Visitor: I mean I told her it was cold outside....

Vick: Do you have any technical questions on Samsung Mobile devices?

Visitor: Yes, when is 2.3 being released? I heard it's awesome!!!!!

Vick: I am sorry, we do not have information on the release date  of Android 2.3.

Vick: Once it  is released it will be posted on website.

Visitor: I'm sad. Can I have a hug? :(

Vick: As it is going to be new and latest version, you can enjoy the features of Android 2.3

Visitor: Ok so you are releasing it!!!! When should I expect it for my Epic!?!?!?!?!?

Vick: There is on specific release date for the update. Should this become available, it will be posted on our website in the Samsung Download Center.

Visitor: *knock knock*

Visitor: No wait, no should it become available.

Visitor: You just promised me I'd be able to Vick.

Visitor: Now you're sounding sketchy

Vick: Yes. You may install the update when it is released.

Visitor: So you're promising me with all certainty that you will roll out 2.3 for the Epic?

Visitor: And if I have to call Mr Sansungasaki he can vouch for this......

Visitor: Pinky promise me it will be released Vick.

Visitor: Pinky promise me for all the hungry kids in Ethipoia.

Vick: I'm sorry. I see that the update might be released to install and use on your phone.

Visitor: We just went from will be to might be.

Visitor: Vick you're tryin to circle jerk me here....

Visitor: I even offered to bake you a cookie.

Vick: As referred earlier, as of now there is no official information on the release date of the Android 2.3/Gingerbread from Samsung.

Visitor: But you just told me I will be able to enjoy the awesomesauce features, and now you're being an indian giver.

Vick: I apologize for the confusion. We are unable to speculate when/if a software revision might be available due to the fact that this might lead to inaccurate information and confusion.

Visitor: Vick, I hate you now. You've broken my heart, and I take back my offer on the cookie.

Vick: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.

Vick: Please accept my sincere apologizes, I would have surely helped you if I had the information.

Visitor: You've broken my heart. How do you plan on fixing that?????

Visitor: Is this how you treat everyone? Get their hopes up, then shove them away?

Vick: I'm sorry. Do you have any technical questions for me?

Visitor: Yes, can I have your girlfriend in exchange for the Gingerbread update?

Visitor: That would be a fair trade.

 Chat session has been terminated by the Samsung Agent.

Question of the day....

Do you think Luke Skywalker was pissed that Darth Vader chopped off his masturbatin' hand?

Well shit.....

Ok so I got my new phone in yesterday and got it all activated after I got home.  I would love to actually be doing this post from said phone, bragging about it, etc.....

However within 24 hours the fucking thing caught a defective touch screen illness and it's going back.  Should have the replacement by Thursday or so, so the Blackberry is reactivated for now.  I almost put my old Android phone back on, but that thing doesn't have shit for memory and I always kill it.

The other highlight of the night besides the phone...I got attitude from someone who's pic is Chester Cheetah.  How the fuck am I supposed to take that seriously?

In order news.....rumor has it women masturbate to me.  Thanks.....but that's kinda dumb lol.  Stick to porn sites for the quality material.

Episode 20!!!!

Got the new episode up, and it's a fucking classic!  Go get it now!

After a long night in studio....

Welcome to the most important part of waking up after being in the studio until 4 am the night before.Just stay hopped up on this all day and all the editing will be done!!

Little rules to follow when you need your computer fixed

This is just a little list of advice I thought I'd share for the next time you take your computer in to get worked on, from a guy who used to stand on the other site of that tech bench.  Following these guidelines will get you better results, and retain our sanity.  No, this list will never be complete....these are just thoughts off the top of my head.

Don't argue with the tech:  Let's get something quite clear first.  I'm the one who knows how to fix all the shit you just fucked up.  When I tell you what you did wrong so you can avoid it later, don't contradict me.

Yes, I really advised you to get anti-virus:  You look at more Asian ass-porn than a 13 year old that just hit puberty.  Last I checked, starting your computer to 500 pop-ups of "German shit on me" porn wasn't part of the factory configuration.  And no, we won't apologize of Windows Live One Care being a shitty product that didn't make it more than a year.

If you have porn, warn us:  We're not anti-porn or anything.  I do not like to turn on your computer and see the sagging tits of your 50 year old wife on the desktop for all my customers or partake in you sick fuck.  Nor do I want to run across a huge stash of goat fucking videos.

Do not anger the tech:  Remember, we now have your computer and your eternal internet happiness hostage.  If you call every hour asking if the repair job we quoted 3 days to complete is ready, that porn stash you pride yourself on will mysteriously be unrecoverable and it won't get backed up.  The pics of that whore that cheated and dumped you that you can't get over yet will vanish.  I'm fucking warning you.

We will not service your roach motel:  This is one thing I'll never understand.  Do you not find it humiliating that your computer has like 3 families of little critters in it?  What the hell makes you think I'm going to touch that thing.  And yes, I will bill you for pest control to come out if any of these fucking things got loose in my shop.

Your rambling doesn't make me money:  I'm glad that you picked up the new issue of Maximum PC and now you're a fucking expert over my years of experience actually doing this shit.  Really, it excites me.  However, I'm trying to work.  This back and forth exchange of you blabbing about something and me having to correct your every inconsistency is getting old.

Shut up and take my advice:  If you want to play games on this old piece of shit desktop and I tell you that you have to get a bigger power supply to handle that video card you're dick-beating over on the shelf, I fucking mean it.  If you don't get it, I won't install the card as it's just going to blow the thing anyways.  I'm not in the mood to play "told ya so".

Yes sir, I can refuse service to you:  I can, and I will.  And yes, I am very partial when enforcing this rule and will pick and choose what I want to work on.  If you approach me with an Apple product, I will push it out of the way and tell you to get the hell away from me.  I'll probably call you a communist as well.

I'm a tech, not God.  Don't expect miracles:  If everything on your computer is that important, back the shit up.  Yes, things will fail.  Hard drives stop spinning, boards short out, etc.  Most times, I can recover all that worthless crap you keep around after a few hours of work and cursing.  If I can't, well, that's your own damn fault it isn't saved somewhere else.  If computers were perfect, they wouldn't have a warranty, and I wouldn't be doing this job.

Warranty, what?:  You want all your work paid for under warranty, do ya?  Great, call the manufacturer.  Yes, we have a partnership program to do warranty service with them.  No, I don't actually do it.  It makes us no fucking money because manufacturers low ball the hell out of what they pay us.  I have to keep a profit too after paying my employees.  Now piss off.

Asking for my boss means nothing:  I'm the tech, therefore I'm the expert in this particular area.  My boss is only going to reinforce what I've already told you.  Then I'm going to refuse service to you because you've annoyed me.

Don't expect free work/advice:  This is a business.  If you want me to test your machine and tell you what's wrong with it, you're paying for my time.  Period.

Leave us out of your marital problems:  I'm not a P.I., or a divorce attorney.  i have my own issues to deal with.  True story to share.  Lady bring in a hard drive and wants to know what's on it.  She's real sketchy, and has no idea what to look for.  I plug it up, and find it's nothing but a straight Windows install except for Yahoo Messenger.  I call her and advise her, and she asks if we can look at that.  Found an app to read the Yahoo log files from the drive, and it's a mile long log of her husband talking to some whore he has on the side.  She asks me to print it out for her, and I charge her out the ass because of the amount of pages it took.  Turns out he would go in the office, lock the door, and replace the regular hard drive in the family computer with that one with this drive.  Once done with said slut, he put the old hard drive back and hid this one in the closet.  This bitch actually wanted me to testify at her divorce hearing.  Hell no!!  Didn't you think there was a problem when he locked you out of your own damn office when he went on the computer, without having a scavenger hunt for this drive?!?!?!?!

I hate waiting for new gadgets

For those who know me, I change out phones like ho's change clothes.  It's hard to settle on one.  It's finally come to the point that I've decided on the phone I want as I've been forced out of the Blackberry market due to shitty equipment.  The phone I've been eyeballing finally for the patch out to fix the GPS issues, and I couldn't be more excited.  Right?  I'm excited right?

No, I'm not.  My fucking upgrade isn't until 4/1 and I've been staring at this thing online for 2 weeks now since I settled in.

My Blackberry Style is sitting in my office collecting dust.  Daily annoyances of the data connection just dropping off have driven me to the end.  I curse every day using my old HTC Hero which has been doing backup phone duty for some time now because I fat finger everything I type.  Most people I message think I'm fucking high because it's so bad.  Ok, I could have been on some occasions, but not every time.

I finally decided on the Samsung Epic.  Yes, the UI sucks, but I can load up ADW and call it a day.  I know Samsung has that Nexus S out which is a pure Google phone, and it's tempting, but therein lies that fat finger problem again.  A real keypad is a must.  Bye bye Evo too.  Tried that, failed horribly.

In case you're wondering, I'm limited to the Sprint lineup since they're my carrier.  No, I'm not changing carriers.  My price is too damn good on service.

I looked at the Windows 7 phones, but the UI looks like it was done by a retarded 3 year old with one had wedged up his ass.  That option is out.

So yes, Epic it is.

This fucking upgrade date needs to hurry up.  My lacking of typing on the current phone, along with lack of memory to properly suffice all the porn apps I'm partial to installing is driving me nuts.  Can someone get me a fucking time machine please?