Jessica Alba Has Blackberry Torch, and a Special Place In My Pants

Not that she wasn't already fucking hot even after popping out that fat-headed kid to the point I've plotted how to break into her house, but now I find out Jessica Alba is a Blackberry user.  It may not be points for awesome apps and shit, but at least we got her and her see-thru top as a supporter.  Fuck you Android!  Ok, I'm gonna go kill a half a bottle of Jergens on this shit.

This Song Owns All

Probably one of the best fucking remakes I've ever heard, and a sweet video to boot.....

Justin Bieber Rapes Goats, and I Have Proof!

Here it is, proof fucking positive of the claims I have always made.  Just.Bieber.Rapes.Goats.

I conquer all......

Dr. Icon: Helping you be a better YOU!

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The Fuck You List

Ok so I've decided to do a little mini series that I'll add to from time to time here called "The Fuck You List". General idea of it is just a collection of whatever is pissing me off at the time, and a posted version of the rant I usually have throughout the course of a day about it. I've still got some shit I need to pull from twitter and post here, but this is the shit that was on my mind today.
Whoopi Goldberg
I want to thank Whoopi for her clarification in morality, where in we know there's now two kinds of rape. The first is "rape-rape" which is still the bad one, that we use to just call rape. This is the one you don't want to do, and you will go to jail for.
The new one is "not rape-rape". The best example of this is Roman Polanski. According to Whoopi, it's ok to dope a 13 year old up to the point of being almost completely out of it, and proceed to fuck her in the ass while she says no. Perhaps you get the sympathy points for first asking her if she's on the pill and waiting for an answer, then having the heart to let her know you'll pull out. Well, that's might fucking considerate of you. Now, let's take a trip into Whoopi's moral universe.....
"I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and when they let him out he was like "You know what this guy's going to give me a hundred years in jail I'm not staying, so that's why he left."
Well, yeah.......when you rape someone, we put your stupid ass in jail. There was someone who many years ago had an absolute moment of total genius and said "Hey, raping a chick is probably a bad idea. I think we should punish people who do that." And so, the law was born. I think it makes complete sense to me, but I'm no moral crusader like Whoopi is apparently.
And on that note, fuck you too Roman Polanski. You were like 43 and she was 13. Double whammy...you raped a girl in the ass and she was a minor. Way to go you fucking pedo douchebag.
Miley Cyrus
So today has sucked in the twitter world for quite a few reasons. It's bad enough those cockwhores can't keep shit running so nothing was refreshing, but then we have to deal with everyone crying over Miley deleting her twitter account like this some some fucking huge loss to mankind. Who the fuck cares if she deleted her account? She's just an idiot who goes into emo rambling all fucking day and apparently her boyfriend didn't like her having the account. Now everyone is fucking crying and shit over it. Fuck you. If you're life if gonna be so fucked just because that tool deleted a twitter account, you need to step up from being a cutter and just lay down in traffic. Let Roman Polanski rape your dog in the ass, then you'll have something legit to cry over.
And no, I didn't make the image. It's some random one I found on the net. I don't know who made it so I can't give credit, but whoever it is.....you fucking rock!
Panda Express
No, my issues with them haven't stopped. They still won't put panda on the fucking menu, but they continue to advertise it. This WILL be war. I think I'll go there tonight for dinner and have a little fun.
Snow Leopard Fanboys
Do none of you realize that you just got fucked by Steve Jobs in paying $30 for a service pack??? I realize it's a hell of a lot better than your normal $130 you guys get bent over on, but shit. This is all crap for the most part that could have been in gradual releases over time. Oh kick ass, we got new features that will be fucking worthless unless someone actually writes an app around it even though their shit works without it!! You can all kiss my Windows lovin ass, every one of ya. Here's the nice thing I get as a perk. When Microsoft releases something the equivelant of a service pack, they call it one and I download the shit for free. I don't have to pay out the ass to get some updates to speed up my shit or make it a little more secure. And I don't sure ain't paying to get Vista .1, .2, .3, .4, etc.

Nick vs Panda Express Begins

Ok, so there's a lot of people who are aware with my bitch with Panda Express. If you're going to put panda in your name, and put images of pandas all over the fucking place, you better serve those fucks on the menu! Do they? No. Not a single fucking time. This is becoming complete bullshit in my opinion. I want to know what panda tastes like next to sesame chicken and egg drop soup, and these assholes keep fucking teasing me with it. So I've decided instead of just ranting about it on Twitter all the time, I should address this issue directly with them. I've received a ton of positive response to my criticism, so I thought it was the right thing to do. I will be attempting a diplomatic approach first.
I am going to make every attempt to be an adult and be professional about this. I think a major company like this will see the error of their ways, and either remove the panda from their branding, or put one of those fat fucks in a wok and slap a shitload of teriyaki on it!!
As soon as I receive a response on this matter, I'll make sure to post it here immediately along with any response from me if needed. If they don't respond, I'll happily do a follow up with them on this.
To whom it may concern,
I'm contacting you in regards to a concern and disappointment I've experienced with your franchise. Let me start by saying I have been a customer at your establishments here since they first opened, and have been more than pleased with the food and level of service I have received each and every time. However, there is an issue that I find quite pressing.
When your first location opened here, I must admit I was a bit shocked. I've had Chinese food numerous times in my life, and have tried to be open to try different things. I was a bit hesitant at first at the thought of eating panda for the first time in my life. I have never heard of this as a standard delicacy, but who am I to question what someone in a third world country might serve at the dinner table? If you're hungry, then you're hungry. You can't be one to complain about the meal in front of you when you're poor I suppose. So although I have not run across this on any menu, I thought I could give it the benefit of the doubt and get some panda on my plate.
I must admit, I have been rather disappointed thus far. My first visit supplied me with no panda. Actually, every visit has provided me with no tasty panda to bite into. At first, I thought with it being the main attraction, it must be in high demand and certainly on short supply. I encountered this issue the following few times I chose to dine at your fine establishment. After this, my frustration began to grow. I have been to two locations, and attended numerous times of the day to eliminate the "it's too late in the evening to catch some grilled panda" situations. I continued to try regardless, and have nothing with heartache. I even asked an employee there once if they have ever served panda, in which I got a quick reply of no as she turned back to serve my helping of mushroom chicken.
So far, your blatant advertising and exploitation of pandas has me quite frustrated. I go to your establishment and see "Panda Express" clear as day. That should be an obvious indication of what you cook and serve correct? I don't go to Burger King with the expectation of buying a burrito. I walk inside, and there are images of cute little pandas spread out all over the place. As I sit there staring at the plate with no grilled panda on it, they sit there taped to the walls staring at me, taunting me.
At this point, this has become completely unacceptable! I demand you either start serving panda on your menu right alongside the chicken and beef, or remove the panda images and verbiage from your company name and advertising and logos and halt this obvious false advertising. If needed, I'll rip one of those fuzzy bastards out of a tree and beat him on the head so he's unconscious and you can stick him in the oven.
This situation deserves some kind of immediate resolution, and I await your response.
Regards,
Nick
mentallyprovoked@gmail.com

I Work Really Hard

I've come to the realization that I work way too hard. Now this isn't the normal thought most may have. What I mean is when I go to work, I work extremely hard to not do my job, as opposed to doing anything productive at all. The first thing I do when I get in is fire up my computer and try to figure out the first thing I want to do besides actual work. It really doesn't take any kind of effort to listen to people call in and bitch about this or that about their cell phones. And in all honesty, I could really give a fuck less anyways. Do I feel any remorse for them, or lose sleep? Fuck no! Hell I even caught myself staring at the ceiling counting tiles with someone rambling in my ear for 5 minutes about something. I really can't remember what they were even talking about. I just kept on with the normal "yeah...uh huh.....right.....oh my" standard bullshit to make them feel like their being listened to, and to some level perhaps even appreciated. The photo to the left was that exact moment today. And for the record, I counted 63 today.
So what do I actually do each day? Well, I spend a good part of the day playing on Twitter. It passes the time, and keeps me rather amused through the entire day. During this time, I make sure to put in time on either test messages or BlackBerry Messenger maintaining the regular lines of communication. Morning conversations usually consist of chats with @EricsTXGal trying to help her with killing her co-workers, or at least getting them fired. Here recently I even managed to be somewhat famous by fucking up @Candice_Jo's video blogs (completely unintentionally of course). Much appreciation on the plugs I got from her, instead of her threatening to kill me. Make sure to check out her blog here. This usually carries me into lunch, that sacred half way mark of the day.
Lunch is an interesting phenomenon all in it's own, as it's where I've realized that one...Chic-Fil-A employees either enjoy their fucking jobs way too much for minimum wage, or they're all high as fuck. I'm honestly going to vote for option 2, and I don't see how anyone could be content shoveling waffle fries as a career builder for less money than you could make on welfare rockin the government cheese. I'm willing to bet there's a shitload of X and lesbian orgies behind those doors to the back.
Lunchtime has also lead me to realize that old people are stalking me, and want to kill me. I haven't completely figured out why yet. Perhaps being the innovator of ignorance is working against me this time. It is entirely possible. I first thought it off when I went to Whataburger for lunch one day. They often flock there in the mornings for their coffee time, but never at noon. That's nap time, and you can't take that out of their routine. But there they were, and I realized I was the only one there under age 60 minus a couple of employees. I could feel them staring at me, and plotting my demise. Two days later I went to Taco Bell for lunch, which I assumed would be a safe location. They can't eat Taco Bell. Shit they can barely eat anything that doesn't come pre chewed in a jar. But there they were again, staring. Two of them tried to make their move on me when I finished eating, but my quick thinking saved the day. I pointed to the TV and said "Hey look.....it's the Wilford Brimley diabetes commercial!!" That bought me enough time to break the fuck outta there. I'm still planning my strike to retaliate. I will be avenged.
So lunch is over, and back to work. By this time I'm so hopped up on caffine to make it through the day I have a twitch at times and see those tracers in my eyes. Yes, I really am that caffine addicted. I still slowly plug away in the afternoons convincing people that zombies are real, and swineflu causes it. The easiest way I had to do it is when they changed the name to H1N1. Then I just worked it as the official "threat level" name the government uses when it became an obvious problem. I have 3 people now terrified to ever go to Mexico, and another who became a vegetarian over fear of bacon. I gotta give thanks to @thizgurl for helping me put the wheels into motion on that plan. Luckily afternoons pass pretty quickly as that's my mentally stimulating time of the day, and before I know it, it's time to go home to complete my day of raising hell on Twitter.