Hotsauce and the Cornhole Explorations

I try not to let myself get too old and start to become a prude.  I try to keep my mind open.....really.

When it comes to sex, I realize that people all have their thing.  They like feet, tits, leather, saddles, the whole lot.  I tend to think that after numerous years of Real Sex on HBO in my early years, and then the internet, I've seen or heard of it all.  I can still be caught off guard however....

Hotsauce....right in the ass.

I had a co-worker today that for reasons I won't ever understand, decided to confess this to our whole team. Now I wasn't part of the beginning of this conversation, but I doubt someone randomly said "so what has everyone had lodged up their ass this year?"

I can't make up shit like this.  This dude, who we shall now refer to as "Agent Anus", let his woman stick her finger in hot sauce, then park it right in his ass.  Apparently, he was quite content with this.  My friends, there are certain things that I like to consider "poor life choices" and this is one of them.

I personally am not one to let any woman stick a finger up my ass for any reason.  I've never allowed this to happen, and I'm quite satisfied in the quality of life I have enjoyed with that choice.  My asshole will never be a "taco salad with a little zing to it".

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN???????

No one who was originally involved in this is quite sure how this topic came about.  And yes, we're all a bit creeped out.  Despite this, Agent Anus still tries to claim he has maintained his dignity and manhood.  Yes, you read that right.  Your bitch turned your cornhole into a Taco Bell ad, and you say you still have dignity??

Fuck this, I'll just get old and accept that some shit just doesn't make any sense.  No finger is goin up my ass without a city getting burned down.

I Work Really Hard

I've come to the realization that I work way too hard. Now this isn't the normal thought most may have. What I mean is when I go to work, I work extremely hard to not do my job, as opposed to doing anything productive at all. The first thing I do when I get in is fire up my computer and try to figure out the first thing I want to do besides actual work. It really doesn't take any kind of effort to listen to people call in and bitch about this or that about their cell phones. And in all honesty, I could really give a fuck less anyways. Do I feel any remorse for them, or lose sleep? Fuck no! Hell I even caught myself staring at the ceiling counting tiles with someone rambling in my ear for 5 minutes about something. I really can't remember what they were even talking about. I just kept on with the normal "yeah...uh huh.....right.....oh my" standard bullshit to make them feel like their being listened to, and to some level perhaps even appreciated. The photo to the left was that exact moment today. And for the record, I counted 63 today.
So what do I actually do each day? Well, I spend a good part of the day playing on Twitter. It passes the time, and keeps me rather amused through the entire day. During this time, I make sure to put in time on either test messages or BlackBerry Messenger maintaining the regular lines of communication. Morning conversations usually consist of chats with @EricsTXGal trying to help her with killing her co-workers, or at least getting them fired. Here recently I even managed to be somewhat famous by fucking up @Candice_Jo's video blogs (completely unintentionally of course). Much appreciation on the plugs I got from her, instead of her threatening to kill me. Make sure to check out her blog here. This usually carries me into lunch, that sacred half way mark of the day.
Lunch is an interesting phenomenon all in it's own, as it's where I've realized that one...Chic-Fil-A employees either enjoy their fucking jobs way too much for minimum wage, or they're all high as fuck. I'm honestly going to vote for option 2, and I don't see how anyone could be content shoveling waffle fries as a career builder for less money than you could make on welfare rockin the government cheese. I'm willing to bet there's a shitload of X and lesbian orgies behind those doors to the back.
Lunchtime has also lead me to realize that old people are stalking me, and want to kill me. I haven't completely figured out why yet. Perhaps being the innovator of ignorance is working against me this time. It is entirely possible. I first thought it off when I went to Whataburger for lunch one day. They often flock there in the mornings for their coffee time, but never at noon. That's nap time, and you can't take that out of their routine. But there they were, and I realized I was the only one there under age 60 minus a couple of employees. I could feel them staring at me, and plotting my demise. Two days later I went to Taco Bell for lunch, which I assumed would be a safe location. They can't eat Taco Bell. Shit they can barely eat anything that doesn't come pre chewed in a jar. But there they were again, staring. Two of them tried to make their move on me when I finished eating, but my quick thinking saved the day. I pointed to the TV and said "Hey look.....it's the Wilford Brimley diabetes commercial!!" That bought me enough time to break the fuck outta there. I'm still planning my strike to retaliate. I will be avenged.
So lunch is over, and back to work. By this time I'm so hopped up on caffine to make it through the day I have a twitch at times and see those tracers in my eyes. Yes, I really am that caffine addicted. I still slowly plug away in the afternoons convincing people that zombies are real, and swineflu causes it. The easiest way I had to do it is when they changed the name to H1N1. Then I just worked it as the official "threat level" name the government uses when it became an obvious problem. I have 3 people now terrified to ever go to Mexico, and another who became a vegetarian over fear of bacon. I gotta give thanks to @thizgurl for helping me put the wheels into motion on that plan. Luckily afternoons pass pretty quickly as that's my mentally stimulating time of the day, and before I know it, it's time to go home to complete my day of raising hell on Twitter.

Taco Bell Perseverance

Ok, so last night the woman gets home and we decide to get something to eat. No, she doesn't have a name...I just call her the woman. So anyways, we're trying to figure out where the fuck to go that can follow along with this diet thing she's on right now. Which when you read the paperwork, it fucking translates to you can eat NOTHING. How the fuck are you going to tell someone they can eat a hamburger without the bun?

Anyways.....being the greedy fuck I am, I decide on Taco Bell. I figure I'll end up with something I like, and she can get one of those attempts at salads they make. Don't get me wrong....I love Taco Bell, but they've never been known for their health food. It's simply a compromise in this case.

So we get there, and I'm stuck looking over the menu for something that looks appealing. This time happened to be that rut you run across cause they'll have something really kick ass on the menu for a month or so, and when they pull it, you're stuck with this deer in the headlights look. Why they can't just keep good shit on their fucking menu amazes me. I pondered the double beef cheesy whatever the fuck it is, but then remember I've had better microwave shit at a 7-11. I finally have my epiphany....the #6. Supreme chicken muthaphuckin chalupa!!! It's fucking perfect. The woman decides on a chicken fiesta salad piece of shit and we're set. Then we get the ultimate buzzkill........."I'm sorry, but we're out of chicken......"

You're fucking what?!?!?!!? What did you just say to me you worthless minimm wage drive-thru whore of a human? How the fuck do you not have chicken at a fucking Taco Bell?!?!?!?? I'll murder your fucking family for fucking with my emotions like this!! This is something in life that should never happen. I would never expect to walk into a Chinese Kitchen or Panda Express and be told they have no more dog to make their food with. That proceeds to turn my "Taco Bell sounds good for dinner" into a fucking craving now. We have to settle on Bush's Chicken instead.

So being the stupid prick I am, I can't leave this unsettled. The woman gets home today from work, and again the what should we eat moment comes up. Obvious choice......Taco Bell. It's NOT fucking possible to be out of chicken two nights in a row. We get there, and it's euphoric.....like they wanted to make up for their sins. The chick in the drive-thru is rediculously nice to us when we order. Same exact order. This time, it's fake authentic supremacy! We pull up, and it's like something in a commercial. We're greeted by an authentic Mexican with a shit ass accent who gladly confirms my order and swipes my card. It almost bring me to fucking tears. We pull up to the next window and angels float around the drive-thru whore while she hands us the bag of fake authentic Mexican food goodness. Now I'm home and enjoying my cheesy chickeny goodness while listening to Killswitch Engage. Yes, I said chickeny, and it's now a work. Fuck you.